Page Five: Confusion
The cold water felt good. The cold
sinking in his skin had always felt good. Gon could feel his
dark hair soaking and drinking in as much of the cold water as
it could, surrounding themselves with the coldness that made
them feel alive, awakening and looking out into the world in a
different way, a silent space where thoughts surge out and tell
you what to think, what to feel.
Kara always hated cold water. She only endured them during
her showers with Gon. She always bathed in hot water, the steam
blurring the space of the bathroom with its mysterious white
cloud, surrounding her and shielding her, as if she was a
mystical Goddess in a time setting of fantasy. She always
laughed when he said that. She always giggled with happiness
when they were together alone. Gon loved her laughter, her
giggles always warmed his heart. Maybe that’s why he
loved cold water now than ever, for it now matched with the
temperature of his heart, his sun.
Gon always wondered if his love for Kara was real, as his
relationship with her grew, and they started becoming closer
more and more. Gon never understood why he had found her so
beautiful, so attractive. Maybe he fell in love with her because
she was the only girl who had ever been nice to him, the only
one who had ever taken an interest in him.
Yet he knew how much he truly loved her after she
was gone, after he had sat outside of the police station’s dirty
stone stairs, under the pouring storm rain. Not wanting to move.
Not wanting to think. He had seen her body inside the police
station, in that place where all the bodies are filed into
cabinets of steel. Just like the police report files, these
bodies were nothing more but work for the police officers that
resided the station. The bodies were no longer humans, just a
job they had to do in order to get paid.
Everyone seems to be so trapped in their jobs, as if these
define the voices and places that makes us belong in this world,
Gon thought as he closed his eyes and lifted his face to the
stream of freezing water. It didn’t mattered if he stayed in the
shower for longer than an hour. The cold water wouldn’t run out
and turn warm.
“Smiling moves less muscle than frowning, you know?” Was what
Kara always said to him to make him smile, as if that phrase
meant anything at all.
“Well, then that only means that I’m working out
harder than you to stay in shape.” Gon smiled back, unable to
resist Kara’s aura of energy. She was just too perfect. Way too
perfect for Gon.
Maybe that was why Kara loved track and field so
much, for it let her expand her extra energies on something more
than random dancing and shopping sprees. Gon loved to watch her
practices, just seeing her running and jumping was all that Gon
really needed to spend his lazy afternoons, when his head and
eyes weren’t concentrated on the worlds he was creating.
Kara participated in a lot of track and field
events, even after she finished High School and worked full-time
as a day-care center ‘Baby-caretaker’. She really didn’t need
the money. Gon’s books were more than enough for that. She just
loved kids, and she wanted one of her own. Gon had always told
her to wait a while, to enjoy the days of youth a little longer,
for they weren’t yet mature enough to handle a baby. Kara had
always agreed with him after thinking about it for a few
minutes. She had always agreed that they weren’t adult enough to
be parents. Gon now regretted ever saying that.
Although she graduated from their old High School,
the Principal still allowed her to come back as a part-time
assistant coach for the track and field team. She loved running
and competing against the new athletes of the team, to see how
full their potentials really were.
phone rang, the sound almost blocked out by the loud noises
caused by the shower water crashing against Gon’s face. Gon
opened his eyes as soon as he heard it, and slowly, unwillingly,
closed the metal knobs that shut off the water from its spray.
was his Father, the cigarette smoker’s rough voice gave the
identity of the voice away. “How are you doing down there, son.”
The rough voice asked through the holes of the phone speaker,
carried by miles and miles of telephone lines. The voice spoke
in a language that used to be Gon’s, a language that belonged to
his race, a language that he used to be proud of.
“I’m okay.” Gon answered in English, as he sat down on the couch
in the living room, the wireless phone feeling heavier for some
reason. He turned on the TV with the touch of the red button on
the half-flat black remote control. The screen flashed on with a
light that seemed surrealistic, dream-like. “I’m okay in here.”
“You sure?” That language again, one that belonged somewhere
“Yeah.” Gon replied, once again in English. He flipped through
the various shows that the channels offered, before he closed it
again, the silence filling the dark room. “I’m okay.”
“Okay, your Mom just wanted me to call you to make sure that you
were alright down there.”
“Okay.” Gon answered, as his eyes blankly stared at the black
screen of the non-active television. “Zya, mata.”
“Bye.” The voice on the other end replied, now in English. The
dial tone came on after a few seconds, as Gon sat still in the
darkness, the phone still in his hand. He wondered when Lynn was
coming back from her shopping trip. He wanted to see her. He
wanted to be with her. He didn’t want to be alone.
Gon couldn’t remember when he had become so distant from his
parents, that they seemed as close to him as a stranger on the
sidewalks of some unknown street. Maybe the reason that he
couldn’t remember, was because they were never close to start
with. They were just too busy with their works, leaving him
alone in the house ever since he was five. The darkness felt
warm in those nights alone, the cold of the water feeling nice,
reminding him that he was alive, not a figure or a robot, an
They were always too busy, the only reason they
spoke to him was because he got a good grade, and the only
reason they yelled at him was because he had a bad grade. Maybe
that’s why Gon always brought home so many good grades, for they
bought him a chance to talk to his parents, to feel close to
them. Gon could never remember the faces of his parents in his
mind. And he still couldn’t now. They were nothing more but
faceless figures in his life, nothing more but characters of his
wished that Lynn were here, as he started to get dressed,
throwing his shaggy bathrobe onto his full-size bed. There
really weren’t a lot of furnitures in his room. The bed, the
cabinets, the lamp on the ceiling, and everything else empty,
bare. This was his life, there wasn’t any need to fill it.
Maybe that’s why he wrote so much, so he could fill in some of
his life, some of his emptiness. As Gon walked out onto the
living room once again, the pages of the untitled came into his
view. The living room connected all the rooms of the house, even
though there were three bedrooms in total, plus the kitchen and
untitled had grown to about three hundred pages now. The story
now progressing with Gon Guree finding out that Kara White had a
boyfriend, and because of that knowledge, Guree gives up
pursuing her, and loses his writing abilities once again. At
this time, an Editor reads one of Guree’s stories, when the
Editor was visiting Guree’s Creative Writing teacher. The Editor
loves it, and asks Guree to write a full-length novel for
publication. Unfortunately, and sadly, Guree refuses it, and
tells them that he can’t write anymore. That he quit writing.
“Gon… We’ll be together soon…”
sudden appearance of the voice scared and shocked Gon, as he
jumped in the darkness of the living room, his eyes wildly
looking for the source of the voice.
“Gon… We’ll be together again…”
gave out a cry of fear, as he recognized whom the voice belonged
to, as her figure slowly appeared, light surrounding her, in the
darkness of the room. “Kara…” The name escaped Gon’s lips, as
his body shivered in fear, not sure anymore of what to do, what
“Gon… We will be together soon…” The voice repeated, as Kara’s
figure slowly came into focus, and a smile formed in her face.
She still wore the same white robe as the last time he saw her.
“What?” Gon asked, his lips quivering. “How…”
“Finish the untitled, Gon.” She smiled, still floating on where
she appeared. “And then we can be reborn together again.”
“I’ll be waiting for you there. I’ll soon be reborn there…” She
looked up at him, her blue eyes reflecting desire in her eyes.
“My new name will be Kara White… Remember me… Come find me
“What?” Gon asked, but as soon as he took a step forward, the
image of Kara disappeared, vanished, leaving him alone in the
dark again. Gon looked around in confusion, not knowing anymore
what to do, what to believe. That was when he heard the voices
coming into his head, that was when the images of the untitled’s
world and characters appeared inside his mind.
“No, not now.” Gon cried, shaking his head. “Please go away. Not
images did not obey him, as they increased and increased,
flooding Gon’s mind with nothing else but images, sounds,
voices. They wanted to be written down, they wanted to be born
on paper. The inundation of these images hurt Gon’s head, a pain
so great that he felt as if his head was caving in, crushing the
mass of his brain.
gripped his head, screaming in pain, as he tired to shake the
pain and the images away. Yet they wouldn’t go, Gon knew this
too well, they wouldn’t go until Gon wrote them down, until
everything was written down.
cried, tears coming down his cheeks, as he sat in front of the
desk, the untitled’s presence looming over him. He cried because
of the pain. He cried because he had no choice. Gon was not the
master of writing, but a slave of his own writing. He could not
stop the flow of the images, he could not control anything at
all. His writings controlled him, and he was powerless to do
anything at all.