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VI
I
really can’t remember how I felt when I left Sean, as he held
onto the leather box, the golden ring entrapped inside. I don’t
think I ever remembered how I felt. I think I felt nothing at
the time, as we slowly drifted apart from each other, our paths
never to cross again, a memory now belonging to the past.
The
only memories I had of my last High School days, were the
feelings I had felt for Ron, as we accidentally met each other
in front of the mall, as if fate had wanted us to be together
that day. I lied to him about being in the mall to buy Sean a
good-bye gift, don’t know why, maybe afraid that he’d drift away
if I told him that I wanted to be with him, to be near him. He
seemed happy when he agreed to come with me, maybe he was just
being nice by doing so, but his smile somehow seemed to warm my
heart, make me feel secure once again in this separated world.
I
couldn’t hide my excitement when I saw that little scarf, a cute
blue one tainted with puffy clouds of white. It reminded me of
the skies near the Putama River, when I used to lie there with
Ron, telling him all the secrets that I had hid, resting under
the sunny blue skies. I wanted to go back to those days, to
relive them under a different feeling, to tell him about what I
felt, before we had all drifted apart, drifted away.
I
didn’t know what to say as he bought me the scarf, a smile on
his face, his hands placed inside his jean pockets. “Thank you.”
Was all that I could say, as I held this little treasure dearly
in my hands, not knowing how else to act. “I will treasure this
forever.”
“Don’t you mean Sean will treasure that forever?” I heard him
ask behind me, as he followed me to the next store. “Considering
that we’re here to buy Sean’s good-bye present?”
I
had no courage to tell him the truth. So I didn’t. I kept quiet,
and pretended to have not heard him. He didn’t ask anymore, as I
bought him a radio, and he treated me to lunch at some french
restaurant. The name of the restaurant was “Le Monique”, a
memory that I’ll never lose. We sat there eating, talking about
memories past. I didn’t want to leave him yet, not like this. So
I asked him to accompany me to the Putama River, to rest under
the sun, as we always used to do.
My
heart bursted with happiness when he agreed to this, as we
headed out to the same place we had since we first met, those
grassy hills near the stone bridges, the same stone bridges Ron
had ran to with Sean, as they were pursued by the apple tree
owner’s dog.
“Hey, look, this radio includes batteries!” Laughed Ron, as he
sat down on the semi-dried grass, fumbling around with the gift
that he had received. “Want to hear some music under the summer
sun, Kat?”
“Sure, why not?”
We
had bought sandwiches and a six-pack of Coke on the way here, on
a little convenience store at some corner of some street. I took
those out of the bag, as Ron fumbled with the radio, trying to
find a song lost in the airwaves of the world. He finally gave
up, and left the radio on some oldies channel, playing out a sad
song that was long forgotten by the audiences that heard it.
“Your map, all torn apart,” Sang a male voice from the radio,
his song now loud and clear under the summer sun. “Carried off
by the wind. Flew away in a cloud of dust. Lost to the past,
forever…”
“Oops,” Ron smiled embarrassingly, scratching his hair in shame.
“Sorry for choosing such a bad song for a summer afternoon.”
“Nah, it’s okay.” I smiled back, as I handed him a can of pop.
“I
mean, I can change it if…”
“No, it’s okay, really.”
“The buildings that rise up in front of you,” The song continued
as Ron sat down next to me, no sounds between us except the
radio song, and the tiny fizzes that the open cans of pop made.
“Cast a shadow on your heart, when you have no place to go.”
“So,” I started to say something, afraid that the silence might
drive him away. “I heard on school that you’re having a
relationship with Sean’s ex-girlfriend, Lena, right?”
“Nah,” He replied, sipping his Coke. “Rumors, rumors, and more
rumors.”
“So, who is this special girl you love?”
“Don’t try to hide the tears away, when they finally come,” The
song intervened as Ron looked at me in surprise, his mouth open
as if in shock. He stayed like that for a few seconds, before he
started to move again, his eyes now quietly looking out toward
the falling sun. “Because soon the sun will rise, and drive away
the night. And wipe away the sorrows that you can’t face alone.”
He
didn’t say anything as he stared at the orange sky, lost in a
thought of his own, as the song continued, now uninterrupted.
“Until your dreams can reach that distant morning glow. Hold on
to those far off thoughts, never let them go. Keep them safe
inside your heart.”
“Summer is almost over, isn’t it?” He replied finally, his eyes
still dreaming, watching the far off skies.
“Yes, almost.” I replied, as he looked at me, staring into my
eyes. I felt some kind of
ecstasy, a pull
into his eyes, his heart, feelings unable to be told.
“You look up to face the sky, you see it start to blur.” We said
nothing as we stared into each other’s eyes, the song sounding
like a far off dream. “You’re just like a breeze in the early
dawn, just newly born.”
He
then looked away, as if afraid of what he felt in his heart,
afraid of what might happen next. “If I don’t come clean with
you now,” He said, his eyes lowered toward the running waters.
“I’ll never get another chance… The only girl that I ever loved
is…”
He
opened his mouth for the next word, but stayed like that
silently, unable to voice out his next word. “The love you know
is inside, that you barely feel.” The song continued on its own,
the sad voices that are about to cry. “It finally turns to
courage, when you can’t run anymore.”
He
then turned slowly toward me, still trying to tell the things
that he wished to tell. His mouth seemed to be shaking, as if in
fear. After a moment of silence, his mouth slowly turned into a
smile, as he looked up brightly at me. “I can’t tell you my
secret, considering that I already know yours.”
He
laughed after he said that, that smile still on his face.
“You’re such a bastard.” I laughed along with him too, as I
playfully hit him in the arms, just as we used to do in the
past. I didn’t know if he saw how sad I was at the time, my
heart having been broken apart, almost ready to cry. I tried to
stop my tears as much as I could, hoping that the fake laughter
would somehow calm it down, hide it away from him. I felt like a
fool for not telling him how I felt, the many things that I
wanted to say, to feel.
We
fell silent after a while, each looking away from the other,
sitting still under the resting sun. I listened to the song as I
looked up at the sky, hoping that I could stop wanting to cry,
hoping the pain would go away soon. “And even when you can’t
voice that secret prayer. Just know that soon the sun will rise,
and drive away the night. Time flows gently on and on, now and
forever.”
“It
felt like there was so much more I wanted to say to you, but…”
Ron said, as he stared off into the darkening skies.
“Yeah, I know.” I replied, unable to tell him all that I wanted
to say.
“We
better get going, before the night falls on us.”
“Yeah, lets.”
We
got up, and placed the untouched food back in the bag. We waved
good-bye at each other before we got on our separate ways, never
again to look back. The song still went on inside my heart, as I
walked quietly in the darkness, the world no longer a world.
“And until your dreams can reach that distant morning glow. Hold
on to those far off thoughts, never let them go. Keep them safe
inside your heart.” |
