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IV
“Hey, Ron, do you want to come to McDonald’s with us?” Kat had
yelled that day, long ago, ignoring the angry stares from the
other students in the study hall.
“Yeah,” Sean had smiled then, standing just behind her. “Kat
won’t go anywhere unless you come, so you better come quietly,
or I’ll be forced to drag your ass out of here.”
I
had laughed then and accepted the offer, ignoring the threats of
the study hall supervisor, skipping classes with my only two
companions in the world. What a fool, what a fool I am. Being
near the one you love, won’t make her fall in love with you. The
fool, thinking she would love me, think that we would gradually
fall back together… Only ‘cause I love her, and she like me…
What a fool… All this time, I’ve been fooling myself, seeing
only what I wanted to see.
I
fooled myself into thinking that she was made for me. A fool,
all I was made for was the trash heap, the shit stuck at the end
of the trashcans. I didn’t go to school the next few days, but
lied on my soft bed, doing nothing, my mind no longer able to
see the world as it is. I couldn’t go to school, because I knew
that I wouldn’t be able to see them both together, to pretend a
smile as they both cruised by, say hello, and try not to cry. I
knew I wouldn’t be able to do that. So I didn’t. I feel like I’m
running away.
I
was all through being pitiful. I couldn’t even cry. Not anymore.
If I could just disappear… I see why not, no one will miss me if
I did…
The
doorbell rang then, my eyes shifting up in the dark. I didn’t
want to answer it, yet I did. Don’t know why. I wish I knew why.
It was just Lena, Sean’s ex-girlfriend, a visitor from the times
past. “Why didn’t you come to school?” She asked, as she let
herself in.
“Didn’t feel good,” I said, as I pretended a smile. “So thought
I should rest till better.”
“I
called you a couple of times, why didn’t you answer?”
“The rings were annoying me, so I unplugged them all.”
She
looked at me skeptically. “You look extremely sad, Ron.”
That surprised me a little, as I tried to cover up the shock
with a little laugh. “Why do you say that? You’re so wrong,
Lena.”
“Your eyes. They’re empty.” Lena said, as she stepped closer to
me, trying to look into my eyes. I tried to avoid her inspection
by faking up a little cough, turning my head away. She seems to
have noticed my intentions, for she stopped trying to look at
them, and stood there with her fists resting on her hips. I
stopped my fake-coughing act, as she smiled and said, “Look,
I’ve got a surprise that might cheer you up. So why don’t you
just close your eyes, while I take the thing out of my car?”
I
knew she wasn’t going to give up, so I did what she said. It was
already too late when I felt her lips, a kiss that sealed us up.
It was too late, for I knew not how to stop it then, so I let my
eyes stay closed, and let it sooth some of my pain away. “Don’t
give up your future right now,” She whispered after the kiss,
resting her head on my chest. “There’s still so much to go.”
I
did go back to school after that, even though our trio was never
the same again, as if my absence had somehow changed us all. I
don’t know, maybe we all grew up when I was gone, and realized
how childish we had seemed together. I didn’t attend my
graduation though, received my diploma via the mail, because I
didn’t feel like seeing us together again. It just felt painful,
somehow. I did meet Kat one last time, before we all departed on
our separate ways, our futures now separated from each other.
She told me she was shopping for Sean’s good-bye gift, and
pleaded me to tag along. I couldn’t refuse. What fools in love
do in order to be with their loves. I followed her around from
store to store, watching her smile, the smile that I love so
much.
I
did feel the pain grasp my heart, yet I somehow managed to hide
it behind a weak laughter and smile. My mind screamed so many
times for me to tell her my feelings, yet I restrained myself.
What’s the point in confessing my love? When all she thought of
was Sean, and nobody else? Every time we went into a new store,
every second that passed, I thought of how this would be our
last time together, alone, before she left in the arms of Sean,
before we all drifted apart. “Ooh, look at this scarf.” She
cried as we neared another store in the mall.
The
scarf was of a celestial blue, with white puffs sneaking their
way onto it. The scarf reminded me of the beautiful skies, the
cloud smiling as they passed by under the yellow sun. Kat looked
disappointed when she saw the price tag, a hefty price for such
a small object. “That’s a shame.” She said, as she looked at it
longingly. “I wish I had enough money to buy that scarf…”
I
couldn’t stand that look in her eyes, so I told her to wait up,
and went inside the store. The money was supposed to last me two
full weeks, but I didn’t really care, as I spend it all on that
little scarf, don’t know why, don’t know how. She looked at it
dearly as I gave it to her, a smile on my face as I put my hands
into my jean pockets. She held it lovingly, happiness lighting
up in her eyes. “Thank you.” She said, her gentle voice slowly
killing my heart. “I will treasure this forever.”
“Don’t you mean
Sean will treasure that forever?” I asked, curiously, as she
went on to the next store, the scarf held dearly in her hands.
“Considering that we’re here to buy Sean’s good-bye present?”
She didn’t answer me, so I didn’t try any further.
She bought me a small radio, one of those that has only the
AM/FM functions, but had speakers built in onto the surface. As
I exchanged it with some lunch in some weird french restaurant,
the name being “Le Mani” or something like that. “Today feels
too beautiful to be spent inside,” She said after we left the
restaurant, the sun now warming our hearts. “Want to go to
Putama River, and lie near there for a while?”
“Sure,” I replied, a smile on my face. “Why not? For old times
sakes.”
“For old times sakes…” She repeated dreamily, as we headed
toward the river, the stuffs we bought still held in our hands.
I
was such a fool. |
